Looking good, on the outside.

As is evident from this little old blog falling by the wayside, I have been in a state of thoughts all in my head and too scared  for them to be in the written word.  I may have looked to others that I have everything under control.  But I have almost being paralysed with responsibility.  Ruminating over and over about making the right decisions for our family.  This state of perseveration (thanking you Jane) has sapped me of creative confidence and energy.

Choices that I have made have affected other people.   I often feel so indebted to many and feel pushed and pulled in so many ways.  I feel it deeply.  It makes me tired and then I get cranky and irritable.

Essentially I like to keep our home life simple.  Less is certainly more.  We like a wholesome life, living by the seasons and taking our joy from nature and all its gifts.  We live in one of the most beautiful towns of Australia.  Wallabies hop by our front gate.  Tawny frog mouths sit outside our door to sleep during the day.  I hear the ocean from my verandah.  We are safe and well nourished.

The young boy above, his eyes bear the truth, they ask me for my very best.  Every moment, my actions will be how I will be remembered.  Will he forgive me?  Will he say one day "I hate you"?.

At least 10 times a day or more, now, he says over and over again " I love you Mummy"  He also asks me, when I must have that frown line on my forehead, a face of worry and tension, "Mum, are you happy ?"

You see, I have just found this whole thing quite hard.  Relentless.  Simple things like just getting out the door without feeling like a crazy witch.  The struggle to fasten the straps of the child car seat.  Make lunch for preschool days.  Stare at the fridge and wander what to cook.  The struggle with daytime sleeps.  Agonising over putting my son into daycare.  (And now which bloody school).  And the worst time of my parenting, toilet training.  The simple things of motherhood have exhausted me.

On the other hand, diagnosing some rare neurological disorder, glimpsing abnormal pathology and acting promptly, no worries.

I know it is the cliche of the older professional Mother syndrome.  And being caught between ageing frail parents who cannot be around to help.

I just wanted to put out there, I hope I have never made someone else feel less, because I looked like I have more.  That I have looked good , but inside  I am screaming.

At this moment, the house is all quiet.  Night has fallen.  The owl is calling out across the valley.  Che had fallen asleep on the couch after family daycare without any dinner.  I accidentally trapped his finger in the car door this morning as we were jostling to get into the car.  He had a big cry and looked at me with those big innocent eyes.  I fretted most of the day, feeling bad that I still took him to childcare.  I called mid morning to see if he was ok.  I mentioned how bad I felt to Heidi, our family daycare Mum as I came to pick him up.  Heidi said, he hasn't even mentioned it all day.

I am blessed with this life.  I get to live it.   Big deep breaths.  Everything will be ok.

Linking in with Maxabella, on her rewind linky today.

thank you Mummy, that was a nice dinner

Truly that is what he said.  It made my day, after many times of inner turmoil about the volcanic process of dinner.  We are now adjusting to from being a family of five to one of four. Pulling in the drawstrings in a little closer.  But we are also moving house this weekend.  My now old boss said to me that "moving is like the chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion".

Happy weekend to you and than you for your kind words about Dan leaving us.  It really helps.

Linking in with Maxabella today.  It has been sometime, sorry Bron, I do cherish your space and your devotion to your readers.

A special thank you for Felicity.  What a gift you are to the blogosphere  Don't you agree.

I am forever grateful to have loved and be loved.  .

xx

desert rose

The roses have been in full bloom here in Broken Hill for a few weeks now.  Most gardens that are  not overgrown with salt bush seem to have a few bushes adorning their entrance.  Their scent is easily caught on your afternoon walk.  They seem to thrive in this semi-arid climate.

Thank you for all the tips on my sewing dilemma in my previous post.  I been making some design changes in my head.  I really have been wanting to create something sweet for my early morning breakfast.  I think every woman needs a  cheery start to her day.  I may wait to finish this project for when I return to my own dining table.  To pull the whole thing together.

A bit of sad news yesterday.  Our dear Dan the dog has been confirmed to have bladder cancer.  So it is only a matter of time.  But we don't really know how long.  I know you cannot compare apples with oranges, but it is the same type of cancer that my best friend succumbed to earlier this year.  Endeavouring to make his last days the happiest.

Much love and peace to you
Jill
xxx

Balance

A weekend away on Menindee lake had me thinking about my capacity. What am I really capable of doing?.  How much do I think I should work?  How to balance time alone and time with family. Time to craft and create and blog, and time just to hang out.  Taking life as it comes.

I decided on a softie project.  I was going to call him "Fred".  That was my nickname when I was a littlie.  But at times you make mistakes, take too long doing it, get all cramped up, it really is hard on your neck. Well I have since pulled him apart and started again.  You know what I thought, I really should be out there playing.  Fred is now rising from the ashes again, slowly.

Balancing aspiration with desire.  Being in the moment and planning for the future.  Having home cooked meals, a clean smelling house, a well exercised body and mind, a happy family and a reliable income.

Grateful to be even able to have these choices.  To ponder them.

Old Dan dog has been a sick boy.  A few weeks ago I really thought he would be leaving us.  He has pulled through, for now.  Danny boy was so happy to be swimming again.  I could see him smiling.

Thank goodness we have had family here the last week.  Hanging out together.  Sitting under the big open skies.  Helping to balance my thoughts and mood.  Love you guys.

How do you find balance in your life?  And thank you so much for dropping by.


xxx Jill

grateful for

1. When your teething toddler eventually falls asleep when you need to drive 460km in one day.

2. Arriving safely at the house in Broken Hill where we will be staying for 3 months.  Awaiting us was fresh clean white sheets, the kitchen stocked with fresh milk, bread, breakfast cereals, good coffee and tea.    There is something to be said of modern homes.  Clean lines, loads of storage,  light and space.  I am usually drawn to old cottages but being here gets one thinking.

3. Starting a new job on Monday.  Feeling very nervous.  What if no one likes me and I let them down.  They have been saying how excitied they are that I have arrived.  Do you ever feel like a fraud?  Or is that a woman thing?  Anyway I am very lucky to be given such an opportunity and to be so looked after.

It has been a little while since an official grateful post.  Great to be linking in with Maxabella again today.

a big thank you - part 2

I sit down tonight to express my thanks for my almost 18 months of blogging.  Today Marty stayed home so I could get some rest during the day.  He took Che to see his Djadja (grandfather) who turns 90 tomorrow.  Simon is now in a local nursing home after suffering a stroke. He still has all his wits about him and has had such an interesting life.  Being a young Engineer in Poland at the outbreak of WW2.  Escaping to then Palenstine.  His journey to finally Australia in 1948 was a long one and later his wife Helen followed  also from Poland.  We have been wanting them to write their story down.

I have been enthused by Chairmane's post today as a way to list my thankfuls particulary over the last 12 months in blogland.  Yesterday I wrote about my blogging beginings and my lovely inspirers.  Everyday I fall upon new wonderful blogs but I just wanted to make a special mention of what I have gained by visiting these wonderful spaces.

Meagan from ecomilf.  Meagan always makes me think and her blog is a wonderful reference for living more ethically and sustainably.  Great wholefood recipes too.  I won one of her giveaways too.  A cute little elephant.

Emma Lamb who is the most wonderful crafter with her crotchet and her use of colour lifts my day.

Vicki from Serendipity.  I have to say my most faithful reader.  Since our moving house Vicki has been there all the way.  Her kind words, her reflections on family and life.  Her blog is so serene.  Love to you Vicki.

Emma from Frog, Goose and Bear.   I can only aspire to be a mother like her.  Her easy peasy dinner meals have really hit the spot.


Rachel from Mogantosh.  Always a rocking good read and often a good chuckle.  I admire her a lot. Her family is growing and they have been through some tough times recently.  My thoughts are with them.

Maxabella loves.  What can I say.  The current reigning Queen in blogland, in my view.  Her weekly gratitude linky has lead me to so many wonderful places.

Kootoyoo, for  her creative space. 

My newly found friends, Felicity from Gifts of Serendipity.  The week is planned out for me with exploring words, art and new places.  You should check out her very generous giveaway.

The most amazing Jennie from Posie Patchwork - the blog.  Her prolific crafts and her gorgeous children and her insatiable appetite for life.  We have a lovely linen set I won on one of her giveaways too.


Jane from Planet Baby.  So excited to be following her moves into her new abode.  Jane is such a lovely gentle soul.  And yes I won one of her giveaways too.  Pretty good this blog thing,  for I don't think I had previously won anything in my life.

A very new place I am loving is Sophie Isobel's from Her Library Adventures.  Cannot wait to receive my postcard and I have entered her also very gorgeous and generous giveaway of her vintage collections.  Maybe my luck will continue.

I have made some very new friends in the last month too.  I am eagerly reading Life in the Country and Naturally Carol.  and Cathie's best ever recipes and her beautiful life at m.e. Many more to explore . Watch this space

So there you have it dear people. I feel like I have got quite a bit off my chest.  Maybe we will sleep better tonight.

Wishing everyone a good nights sleep.

xxx

.

a big thank you

It is 5 am in the morning and I cannot sleep.  Our blessed sleeping through is going all wonky.  I have been awake since 2.30 am.  Everyone else now is blissfully asleep.  There is some huge creature moving around in the roof cavity.  Rat or possum?

Going around in my head is the need to write a big thank you note to some special people.  To everyone who comes by this space and cares to read my ramblings, thank you.  To all those who have connected with their sweet words, big hugs to you.  I often have times of intense angst over whether to even have a blog.  The rumination and emergence of posts floating around in my head does take up a deal of headspace and I wonder if this energy and these thoughts could sometimes be put to better use.  I do love so much visiting others and am constantly uplifted and inspired by people's stories and their craft.

How I came to have a blog can be attributed to a mixture of inspiring sources.  A few years ago I heard Rhonda Jean on Radio National.  I had no idea what a blog was.  Down to Earth is a constant supply of good downright common sense and there is so much wisdom and instruction on living a more simpler life on offer.  I put my hand on my heart and say thank you so much.

Next I think another trigger was Tessa Kiros the cook and author of "Apples for Jam" and "falling cranberries",among others.  There was something the way these books are presented I thought about having aesthetic in one's life and how being creative and documenting the special moments in your life can put the jigsaw puzzle toghether and give more meaning.

When I purchased my first home I think I was so overwhelmed by now owning a termite damaged , crumbly old home that needed so much doing to it, I went searching for others personal experience of renovating.. But somehow I did not really stumble across actual blogs at the time.  I was looking in all the wrong places.  Then my sweet neighbour Leah, who has  a funky renovated house and is a very talented seamstress mentioned her own blog, Sean the Prawn.  If you have not dropped by there, I would highly recommend a visit, especially if you have a little girl. Then I discovered blogger.  Ah ha this is where everyone is.

Then lo and behold I fell pregnant.  I was so ill.  At 20 weeks I made a phone call to start doing some prenatal yoga classes.  There  I met the most young and beautiful and also wise for years Jodi.  Astoningshly I heard her mention her son's name Che.  I felt this overwhelming deja vu and connection.  If my child were to be a boy, that was the name I had chosen.  Tears came to my eyes in my first class as I lay there been guided by Jodi's dulcit tones through her yoga nidra.  Just before my due date I heard Jodi mention her blog, Che and Fidel.  well I was hooked.  I fell in love with her life and from there blog hopped around the world.

Once given birth and then realising that we would have to sell our home and where were we to go from there?  I impulsively one day clicked on create a blog, uploaded some photos and then hit the publish button.  My first posts were in fits and starts and I have learnt so much since then, but still quite a novice.

I will do a part 2 of this post as now I need to go to bed.  The little man should be waking up soon.

See ya.

xxxx

ah the yearning

A very sweet Mama from my mother's group gave birth to a divine sweet squishy little baby girl last Saturday.  I guess all mothers go through this time.  Wondering if one should or could have another baby.  Feeling that yearning to make your family grow.  I am so blessed to have had my own little squishy one. But you know, the monthly flow starts again and you start counting the days.

Hmmm.  But I am coming up to being closer to 50 then 40.  I have nothing to compare to, but I am so tired.  My body aches and I feel that somedays I wish I had more energy and vitality to keep up with my little one.

I am so excited about my son growing up , and being a fine young man.  I have a little weep sometimes and wish him a little brother or sister.  But more often I have clear visions of us being great friends.  Visions of us being travel buddies.  Going to exotic and adventurous places together such as Patagonia and Bhutan.  Being a witness to his emerging life and all its possibilties.

Words cannot really express my gratitude.


Linking in with Maxabella again this week.  Thank you.

xxxx

en hiver

 For this first week of Winter, we have been like little bears.  With Mr Lurgy taking its toll, we have been hibernating.  There has been a lot happening in the big wild world, and like a  lot of other like-minded people I have been a bit emotionally affected.  I love animals.

Doing a bit of yarn over in those stolen moments when the little one sleeps, has helped me be more in the moment.  I am learning to make my chains a bit looser and to always try and count the stitches. Having ventured into a bit more of challenge, I have become stumped on row 4.  I think I will just keep going with how I understand the pattern  and then look back and see if it works.  The plan is to make a bundle of thank you packages.  My list is long.

The rain keeps on coming.  Cooped up with the kiddo and 2 loveable but wet stinky dogs is a test of patience.  Let us just say the place is a mess.  And there is no chocolate in the house.  We did take a walk in nature's corridor today.  My goodness the car is even worse.  The child restraint car seat is like a compost heap.  Even though there is a torrens pouring out of his nose and fevers have made him the grumpiest of grumpy, he still wanted to jump in every single puddle and "roll down, roll down roll down" the hill.  I am a bit of a slack Mama aren't I?

Drinking lots of rose hip tea, grated ginger and manuka honey.  Managed even a bit of baking.   The days are short.  When I am at home it just seems like forever cooking, cleaning, putting everything back into the cupboards that has been dragged out, constantly wiping little ones nose and washing the clothes that have been smeared with snot.

How my own Mother ever did it?  Three young ones at home all under 4 at age 22  and then a single mother living in a housing commission flat.  I am always thinking of what it really was like for her being alone looking after us girls.  Yes these were my humble beginings.  I have been very lucky.  Now I have a warm house, an amazing supportive partner, a back up career and all the modern conveniences at my disposal.  Ever so grateful.

Thank you for reading my rambles once again.  It is just nice writing things down.  Making a catalogue of my thoughts.  I often feel that this may be quite banal to others.  But I like to do it.  More of a thrill though is reading the life and creations of others.  I think that is what I enjoy most.  And there are some amazing blogs and amazing creative people  out there. 

Hope this first week of winter finds you happy and healthy.  Or if you are lucky enough to be so far North of us, savour every moment of the sun and warmth.

xx

grateful for - being a sixties rock child and loving this song

For you,  my son and all the other sweet kiddos (young and old) of this world.

xx.

More gratefuls here.

today i'm loving

   

    These beautiful Autumn days that bring so much joy, colour and comfort.

    Time to think about our food and menu plan.  Today using left over bbq lamb from yesterday that was still pink in the middle for one of my favourite lamb curries.  Indian food is one of my passions.  I adore mixing the spices, grinding them and exploring the different spices from different regions.  Recently I discovered that  each region has its own blend of garam masala.  We have introduced spice into our little man's meals since early on.  A pinch of cumin, coriander, nutmeg and now he really loves a bit of zing.  I did accidentally once put sweet chilli sauce on his sausages instead of tomato sauce from a bottle.  The faced he pulled was pretty impressive.  I have been to India twice.  Once on my own and then again for a wedding.  A truly amazing place.

   Trying to feel more graceful and gain some ease of movement by doing a daily practice of yoga and meditation.  Many years ago I had an altercation with a train.  Its a long story but I feel asleep whilst driving, my car leapt off the road onto the railway tracks in front of  a train.  Remarkably I only sustained a broken nose and a whiplash type injury to my neck.  Neck pain is now an constant irritation.  With the sleep deprivation and  breastfeeding the tension has been increasing.  Now I haven't been able to sleep because of this ache.    I have been making some time before going to bed to do some simple asanas and a few moments sitting on the meditation cushion, having a big sigh and feeling the emotional release.

  A  lovely package arrived today with a courier.  Thank you so much Posie.

  Hope you have a lovely week and once again thank you for stopping by..

grateful for - peek a boo

      Those high pitched squeals of delight of such a simple game.

     Thank you Maxabella for letting so many of us meet and make new friends.

on my mind - grateful for - to be part of the knowing

                                photo by lovely Lisa Haymes

With Mother's Day approaching, I have to keep reminding myself  "Oh yes I am a Mum too".  I had become so disconnected to this ever being a personal day for myself, it still feels really strange.  Having mainly worked with women and children, I always try to be empathetic but always professjonal and clinical.    Always taking into consideration parental concern and the psycho-social perspective. 

In Medicine you see the cycle of life.  The joyous growth of pregnant bellies and little children.  The bleary eyed working parents who have been up all night with their hot little one with a sore ear  or that cough that just will not go away.  Lots of teenage angst.  The anguish and loss of a loved one.  The impact of wear and tear as we now live longer.

People would often ask me, "Do you have children?".  As time went by I would find this harder and harder to answer.  I ended up saying "No, not ever lucky enough".  I would not quite know if this was the right thing to say.  Some would say that I was the lucky one.  Some would look  sad, or not know how to respond.  Others would add a personal story of their own, similar or someone else close to them.

I remember working in a post natal ward, being the Paediatric Doctor, doing all the pre discharge baby checks.  On a Saturday morning I may have had 20 mothers and babies to see.  I remember seeing one dear little baby boy, his mother really needed some time to have that precious shower.  So she left me with him whilst she ducked in. I remember holding him dearly and gazing into his eyes.  I was breathing in that sweetness that I thought I would never have.  I needed to bring myself back to the job at hand.  Yes, make sure is all well and nothing odd to find.  He was perfect.

Now I can say I know what it feels like.  I realise that knowing look of other parents.  I know what it is like to be sick everyday of your pregnancy.  I know what it is like having a vaginal birth, actually a posterior one.  I know the pain of breast feeding.   I know what it is like when your baby doesn't sleep.  I know of that clinging toddler to your leg all day.  I know about the uncertainty and wondering if you are doing the right thing.  And maybe now know, ah yes boys are different aren't they.  (Being one of 3 girls myself).

I look forward now to Mother's Day and am just learning to give myself a little pat on the back.

A big hugs to all Mothers out there.

Linking today  with Maxabella for more loving gratefuls  and also would like to join Rhonda Jean too.

grateful for - a tough little bugger and a bit of organisation

Thinking  too much about the bratwurst.  Wanting to swing too high.  Before you know it, flat on his back.  No tears.  A little bit stunned.  But "no back pack thank you very much  I can do it all on my own".

Also weekly meal planning has been an aspiration for some time.   Found refurbished blackboard painted a lovely grey.  Now hanging in the Kitchen to jog the memory and be excited and plan my day ahead.

Journey through more with the lovely Maxabella  and now linking in with Alison for some rewind.

Paques

The Easter break seems to come around at just the right time, does'nt it?  I think everyone feels just a little depleted, especially this year.  I'm wondering what Easter means to everyone?  Not being of a demoninational religion, although christened a Catholic, I do feel that it is the recognition of the suffering of the innocent.  There has been so much of this of late.  So  grateful to be able to pace ourselves and enjoy this beautiful shining season.

Our Easter started with my Parents arriving and then a visit from a much loved uncle.  We've had a few doggies mates stay.  Having those extra pair of hands to wrangle baby, clean and cook lots of comfort food is a blessing.

Meet  Missy.

We have been exploring and op shopping.  Really loving these little loaf baking pans.

This was the first time our Parents have met.  The thought has always made me nervous.  They all hit it off.   Today we had a yummy lunch.  BBQ lamb with lemon and rosemary marinade.  Roasted Kipfer potatoes and pumpkin, roasted carrots and steamed brussel sprouts.  This was all topped off with home made salsa verde and home made gravy.  Delicious.  The cake was a treat from the local Gumnut bakery.

Our little boy is such a Trojan.  Despite a high fever of 39 degrees he was still up for a egg hunt.  He learnt to peel them very quickly.  So much fun!

Phew, after all the eating, drinking and exploring a little lie down and breast feed was needed.  A 40 minute kip to recharge.  I could hear the Currawongs singing to each other and see through my bedroom window families enjoying a late afternoon walk.  All so comforting.

Tomorrow my stepfather is participating in the local Anzac march.  So much history for our little man to learn.

Sincerely hoping everyone has had a very peaceful and happy Easter.