Friday, August 9, 2013

Looking good, on the outside.

As is evident from this little old blog falling by the wayside, I have been in a state of thoughts all in my head and too scared  for them to be in the written word.  I may have looked to others that I have everything under control.  But I have almost being paralysed with responsibility.  Ruminating over and over about making the right decisions for our family.  This state of perseveration (thanking you Jane) has sapped me of creative confidence and energy.

Choices that I have made have affected other people.   I often feel so indebted to many and feel pushed and pulled in so many ways.  I feel it deeply.  It makes me tired and then I get cranky and irritable.

Essentially I like to keep our home life simple.  Less is certainly more.  We like a wholesome life, living by the seasons and taking our joy from nature and all its gifts.  We live in one of the most beautiful towns of Australia.  Wallabies hop by our front gate.  Tawny frog mouths sit outside our door to sleep during the day.  I hear the ocean from my verandah.  We are safe and well nourished.

The young boy above, his eyes bear the truth, they ask me for my very best.  Every moment, my actions will be how I will be remembered.  Will he forgive me?  Will he say one day "I hate you"?.

At least 10 times a day or more, now, he says over and over again " I love you Mummy"  He also asks me, when I must have that frown line on my forehead, a face of worry and tension, "Mum, are you happy ?"

You see, I have just found this whole thing quite hard.  Relentless.  Simple things like just getting out the door without feeling like a crazy witch.  The struggle to fasten the straps of the child car seat.  Make lunch for preschool days.  Stare at the fridge and wander what to cook.  The struggle with daytime sleeps.  Agonising over putting my son into daycare.  (And now which bloody school).  And the worst time of my parenting, toilet training.  The simple things of motherhood have exhausted me.

On the other hand, diagnosing some rare neurological disorder, glimpsing abnormal pathology and acting promptly, no worries.

I know it is the cliche of the older professional Mother syndrome.  And being caught between ageing frail parents who cannot be around to help.

I just wanted to put out there, I hope I have never made someone else feel less, because I looked like I have more.  That I have looked good , but inside  I am screaming.

At this moment, the house is all quiet.  Night has fallen.  The owl is calling out across the valley.  Che had fallen asleep on the couch after family daycare without any dinner.  I accidentally trapped his finger in the car door this morning as we were jostling to get into the car.  He had a big cry and looked at me with those big innocent eyes.  I fretted most of the day, feeling bad that I still took him to childcare.  I called mid morning to see if he was ok.  I mentioned how bad I felt to Heidi, our family daycare Mum as I came to pick him up.  Heidi said, he hasn't even mentioned it all day.

I am blessed with this life.  I get to live it.   Big deep breaths.  Everything will be ok.

Linking in with Maxabella, on her rewind linky today.


Unknown said...

Deep breaths x

Angels have Red Hair said...

I know the mothering gig feels like an unending struggle at times ... but truly, one day very soon you will find it getting easier and then you will realise how grown up your baby has become. My little baby got his learners permit today ... deep breaths ... some things get easier ... some things get harder :0)

Jane said...

oh Jill. you are normal and you're ok. I admire your courage and honesty and I do hope you feel better about yourself because you've put it out there. Brave. It doesn't matter whether we are younger or older, professional or not, we are all mothers and there is that constant worry of 'am I good enough' 'have I done enough', will they still love me if I say no. I'm in it too. A teen and a tween (OMG). Running my own small business, keeping house, being primary dog walker, making sure I not only hear my childrens voices, but actually engage and 'listen' to what they are saying, while i'm deciding what to have for dinner, disappointed at myself for not being more organized with our meals for the week. Having a quiet tear as they leave to go to 'the other house' for the weekend. I miss them every time they go(eg. yesterday), there is a void when I can't just walk down to the teens room and be grunted at (ages and stages!). oh, and let's not forget our own changing hormones. That aside, here's the thing... I've always chosen the nearest local school for my kids (unless you know something really bad about it). There is good and bad at any school, state or private. Nearest local ensures the majority of kids will live in the area, great for building friendships for Che, birthday parties, friendships (for you) with other parents, carpooling, etc. From my experience, children are far more resilient than us. As with us supposed grown ups, every experience shapes who they will become. Maybe it's time to dig out the crochet hook and sit in the winter sun for a fresh shot of vitamin D. sending you love and support. Jane x
PS. if you feel like it, go the Katherine Center's website and look at a video called Mom 2.0 Defining a Movement. It's great medicine and although written as a letter to her daughter, I think it's universal.

Judith said...

Jill, every thing will be ok. Beautiful Che is so very lucky to have you. Wish you were my neighbour so we could chat..:) xo

Jodie @FreshHomeCook said...

Hello Jill. Dropping in from Maxabella Loves. It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you at the moment - this parenting gig is a tough one I agree - I feel so out of my depth some days it is frightening.
There is a raw honesty in what you've written that hit home with me so loudly.
Thank you for sharing & having the courage to keep moving forward! :)

Maxabella said...

I am often overwhelmed by the relentlessness of parenting. The good bits are sometimes just not enough. Not even close. I think it all pans out across a wider timeframe though! So I'm told!!! x

Maxabella said...

PS - Hang in there, Jill. And keep writing. It helps, I think. x

Simoney said...

I'm with maxabella. Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. .. parenting is relentless exhausting and nervewracking at times. (Many times.) Xx

emma @ frog, goose and bear said...

So lovely to see you blogging again Jill! It can be quite therapeutic I have found. You are most definitely not alone in your words about motherhood. I have found it utterly overwhelming, relentless & exhausting quite regularly and it is most definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Thank you so much for your honesty.