a simple tuesday

Today was like any other Tuesday.  You are already in my bed  when Dada leaves the house to catch the early morning train.  You are kicking and thrashing around, head butting me and keen to get going with the day.  You swivel your butt around so you go down legs first and then patter off into the house to greet the doggies good morning. You bring numerous objects to the bedside to encourage me to rise.  I moan a bit and roll over,  sit up and then  let the light in.  Our day begins.

I turn on Radio National, open up all the blinds, change your nappy, put on the kettle and peel you a banana.  I start the daily ritual of porridge, pot of tea, some peanut butter toast  and trying to distract you with your ongoing cheeky requests for "more booby?"  Books , books, books.  Then into the cupboards again.  Back to books and then on to brmm, brmms.

Already the house is half trashed as we sit down to our oats.  You are still really full on at the table.  Constant requests for food from my bowl, wanting my spoon instead, more milk.  It is hard keeping you on the job.  And yes food still goes everywhere.  You are gradually learning to wait and have a little patience. 

Then comes the big clean up.

I can now leave you playing so I can have a shower by myself.  Something to really savour.  I get myself ready quickly and then we decide what you will be wearing. But getting you pinned down and changed I understand the term 'baby wrangling'.  You have started protesting on certain clothes, a big scream tells me not this one today.

When you are dressed the dogs start getting excited.  They run back and forth with some mirth and you are hankering to get out the door.  I double check we have everything.  Today we needed lots of tissues as well as your nose is running like a tap.  Off we go, along the creek, trying to find the sunny spots as the icy wind is piercing.  You never want to stay in the pram.  So once across the road and into the safety of the park, you are released from your shackles and off you march.  Collecting sticks of all sizes for me to store on top of the stroller.  You wave hello to all passers by.  The excitement on your face when you see older boys wizz past on their scotters has me thinking of years to come, when that will be you my spunky boy.

After an hour we are home.  Playing outside.  I usually boil some eggs for a snack and also prepare an early lunch for you.  I check emails, blogs, do some swift comments, think about dinner and make some small preparations for. Unload the washing maching and dishwasher.  You help me hang the clothes on the line.  You are so  strong wanting to carry the basket on your own.  Before I know it you are eating again, food is  going everywhere,  you are getting whingy and asking for Booby now. A much treasured small breastfeed.  You really snuggle in, playing with my hair and  my shirt. Off to bed now, a book and then to  your midday sleep.

Finally I can have my daily cup of coffee.  I tune into the radio again.  Today I needed then to do some packing of boxes for our trip in one week.  Then I started on dinner.  Beef and vegetable casserole.  I  tell myself I really deserve this last piece of the chocolate cake I made on the weekend.  I explore new camera options on the net and check out a few more blog updates.  Phone calls and bills made.

You stir at 3pm.  We read  a book on dinosuars.  We play with building blocks.  You turned 19 months yesterday.  Your language ability is exploding.  Perhaps 5 new words every day.  You ask me "what's that?" constantly. You have started saying little sentences.  We gather up your dear softies and we cuddle on the lounge.  We listen to some of your music.  You are a crazy dancer.  Then you happily play alone for sometime as I finish more chores.

At 5pm the door bell rings.  Dogs and you run to the front door.  Invariably you are bowled over by Dan.

It is amazing how this day has just gone.  It was completely occupied by simple domestic chores, the essential dog walk and your sleep and your joyous play.


Today is the last Tuesday that we will have time like this together, just you me and the dogs for a wee little while.  I love you very much sweet Che.  I can't wait to have these simple Tuesdays again.  Only  3 and a bit more months my little man.

Maybe I will find this harder than you.  Dada will be there with you.  It will be me hurrying home to greet your shiny face at the door.

mass breast-feeding sit in and self love

Mass breastfeeding protest at Lifeline Asquith - Local News - News - Hornsby & Upper North Shore Advocate

Above is the link to an article regarding an email I received about a breast feeding sit in protest encouraging people to attend earlier in the week.  The sit in was 3 hours away so it was not possible to attend.  Really glad it all worked out well and positive in the end.

Thinking today it all really does just begin with self love doesn't it.  From there compassion, sincerity, patience and getting joy out of daily life follows.

grateful for - affection from - les enfants des autres

This is a photo of myself and my nephew Bodhi a few years ago.  He is now a preschooler.  Isnt he a cutie?  We live at opposite ends of the state,  so catching up has been a bit hard of late.  Miss you guys.

Through this whirlwind of uncertainty in our lives, stories of devastation in near and faraway places, I have been touched by little moments of affection by littlies that I don't even really know.

In our kindamusic class, other toddlers waddling up and sitting on my lap and giving me a hug.

A four year old girl sheepishly cuddling into my thigh and being a bit teary telling me that the boys won't play with her at our Monday playgroup.  This is a large swarm of kids and I didn't know who her Mummy was.  I sat down and had a little chat with her about her own life.  She hovered a short time and then ran off skipping.

My own little man has been waking quite frequently during the night again since recovering from whooping cough.  At the library story time he became very restless and really wanted a breast feed.  I thought ok but felt a bit self conscious amongst the large room of Mums, Dads, grandparents and kiddies. I do find people look twice when you are still feeding a toddler.   I guess me doing this may have made another Mother with a newborn sit down next to me and do the same.  A very sweet looking 2 years old girl was sitting on the other side of me with her Grandmother.  She leant back and hooked her arm through my leg and rested there listening to the story.  Her Grandmother looked and prompted her to come away.  I said "it ok" and she stayed there.

Very grateful for these moments of sweet tenderness.

Pop over to Maxabella, for some more blog hopping of gratefulness.


Have a lovely weekend.
xx

28 days of gratitude - day 4 - thunder and lightening

Everyone I met today during consultations or walking down the street were expressing the weariness of our current temperatures.  The relentless heat has been sapping our energy and making a few people feel on edge.

After my morning sesssion I arrived home to have lunch with my family.  Marty makes the best toasted sandwiches in Australia.  Our little man had been too excited to go down for his midday sleep earlier so after a cool down with the hose outside and then off to the cool dark room for that cherished breast feed and wind down.

As we cuddled in the usual position of me half falling asleep propped against large pillows, the sky rumbled and roared.  I could see the flash of lightening through the blind.  The storm was very close.  The air felt charged and we were all safe and he was all like a little baby again, snuggled in, with his nakedness , suckle, suckle.

He then opened his eyes and started playing with my hair and poking his fingers in my mouth and said Mamma.  He then closed his eyes and was asleep.

Bliss.

weaning

Floods are still rising everywhere and the country is still reeling of the aftermath of the tragedy of Queensland.  The ingenuity and generousity of clever bloggers amazes me.  I have entered a few flood auctions and donated to those that are helping out.  I do wish I was a bit more crafty to make those softies.  I am reminded of the previous devastation of the Victorian fires 2 years ago.

Here at our house we are still wrangling a bub coughing his little heart out from whooping cough.  It has put our sleep routine and feeding aspirations on hold for awhile.  Before he became sick I was really wanting to stop feeding overnight and gradually winding so many feeds during the day.  It is such a bind.  He loves to breast feed so much.  For the last 13 months I have been there for him, when he wanted it he got it.  Half of me wants to go with the flow, continue and just see when he is ready himself.  I am not saying weaning him completely at this stage, just to feed him less and for me to be a bit more, well, like I can have a bit more of me back.

My aim is to be loving and kind hearted as possible.  Would like to know how other Mother's have approached this and what has worked for them.

birth

One year ago today we went out with friends for woodfired pizza and then to see the movie based on the book above.  I felt well, but baby was very active.  I just could not get comfortable during the screening but thoroughly enjoyed the story and amazing set and cinematography.

I was 39 weeks pregnant.  I was wondering if I would go overdue.  The last week I had been busy having only finished work one week ago. Nesting, cleaning, yoga and spending time at the beach with my dogs.  Marty was working hard landscaping in the hot sun.

Earlier in the day I had some acupuncture.  It had been recommended by my midwife.  The practitioner Melissa thought I was pretty close and changed her approach, mentioning it may help get things going.  I was not in a rush.  I thought I could do with more time.

After farewelling our friends we drove home and Marty mentioned he really didnt wont to go to work the next day. He was really physically tired.  He went to bed straight away.  I was pottering for ages and then at 1.30 am decided I should sleep.

I sat down on the side of the bed and felt a really strong pain that gripped me.  It lasted about half a minute.  I laid down and gazed out the window.  Five minutes later it recurred.  I had been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions from about 20 weeks.  This was different!   After a few  similar  I got up and started packing the bag.  I had not yet done that.  Chester was following me everywhere.  Marty was still snoring away.

Forty minutes later the contractions were coming every 3 minutes and lasting about 40 seconds.  They were so intense I could not talk.  I was kneeling on the rug on the kitchen floor in a yoga pose with my arms out stretched.  The intensity in my lower back and groin gripped me.  Marty woke up due to my moaning.  He yelled out, "Is this it Jill?".  I couldnt really speak.

We rang our midwife.  Yes it was time to come in.  The contractions were now lasting a full minute, 3 minutes apart.  I had been involved in an antenatal midwife programme at Gosford Hospital where we have the same midwife throughout the pregnancy.  Lindel though was infact the second midwife as My first Anne Marie was on her annual leave.  I had thought about having a home birth.  But it came down to affordability, and actually our house was only half functional with  a stripped out loungeroom.

I really didnt know how I was going to get into the car.  The drive  to the hospital takes about 30 minutes.  We set up the dogs on the verandah, bundled ourselves in the car and set off.  I was lying on the back seat, sitting up over the child restraint.  The drive in was surreal. 

Upon arrival and meeting with Lindel, she confirmed the baby was still posterior but I was in fact already 6cm dilated and well effaced.  It was now 4am.  I had no real formal birth plan as such.  Like always, go with what feels natural and right at the time.  Lindel suggested we go into the shower. The relief from the warm water on my back was immediate.  I needed Marty there all the time.

I had accepted having a student midwife with me as I was a student once.  Justine was called from her home.  We had got to know each other over the last few appointments.  It was in fact great having here there as well.

We ended up staying  in the shower.  It seems like so long ago now.   Memory is certainly fading about the details.  I remember loosing the plot a bit, probably was in transition.  I remember feeling on the edge of a precipice and fearful of the next stage, almost too scared to become a mother.  The pain did get too much for me and I really thought I could not go on.  Baby's heart beat via the doppler was spot on.  My waters had not even broke yet but I felt I was ready to push.  So I did.   I let it roar.  But it was hard work.   My waters broke just before giving birth.  Babies head was right there I could feel.  I was sitting on the birthing stool, still in the shower.  Lindel then said  he had been there too long and I needed an episiotomy to get him out.  I remember shouting "Oh no".  But then with another push he arrived face looking up at me , pink and screaming with life.  I picked him up in my arms between my legs and hugged him tight.  Yes  baby boy!


It was the hardest but  most amazing day of my life. 

After all having a clean up shower, we laid down for our first breast feed.  I needed I few stitches  so baby Che had a bit of an explore around to find the nipple.  I felt so much love and warmth.

 Che  born 9.17am 11/12/2009.  Birthweight 8lb 4 oz (3750 gms ) and 53 cm long.  We were very proud parents.  We actually ended up going home to our abdoe and keenly waiting puppy dogs 4 hours later.  We were now a family.

time for a swim suit

or cossie or bathers !  its raining constantly today and bub has just had a good daytime nap.  Have done the pre-requisite study on chronic diarrhea in children and then decided to explore options for a new mommy swim suit.   Just after my exam , we are giving ourselves a couple of days on a beach on the south coast.  Currarong Beach.  Can't wait.

Found a great spot here , great advice on choosing a new cossie  when still nursing.

Have made a bit of recovery after meltdown week.  Thanks Ams.  xxxx

oxytocin delirium

Now bubby is 10 months old we are still breast feeding avidly.

My breastfeeding story begins with having all the good intentions and inspiring role models as well as a medical perspective that gave me a good head start.  Pre-baby I never been that well endowed, but with the raging hormones of pregnancy I developed the most massive boobs, for me.

I have not been brave enough yet to write our birth story, but once our little chap arrived he made his way easily to my breast.   But I reckon I got a graze on his very first attachment.  My breasts were so big he found it quite hard. I took the positioning of feeding recommended but it took me 2 months to work out this was not working for us.  My nipples ended up quite distorted, ulcerated and bleeding often.  The pain would often make me think, tomorrow morning, I'm going to go and buy a tin of formula. I ended up using a nipple shield for  about a month.   I remember I would project thoughts into the future and imagine scenarios and I still wanted to be breastfeeding.  It kept me going.  Eventually supply settled down and I changed his position with him sitting more upright between my knees.  Then we were on a roll.

Che has been hungry and awake since he has been born.  I basically sat there through the hot sweltering heat of our summer, with him on my chest and let him feed when-ever and where- ever.  He hated being in a sling, with a prickly heat rash over his body, but spent all that summer in nappy, singlet and muslin wrap.  In order to pay the mortgage and  I had to return to work, part-time, when he was 5 weeks old.  No maternity pay for Doctors.  This was hard.  Expressing ahead and between consultations, getting let downs and bursting when I was busy and had emergencies to attend to and arriving home with baby distressed and not wanting to feed from the bottle. I cried a bit then.  But I got through it.

I have loved  breastfeeding but  I have often thought how much hard work it is and how it has a tendency to clash with our modern day life and expectations.  Not living close  to those able to give lots of practical support with a newborn, pressure to return to work early, to have a well running household, the awkwardness of feeding in public.  I often understand why women do give up earlier. My little man though just wants to feed and feed.

Occassionally I have felt trapped in this zone.  My son still feeds on demand and I don't have a schedule or strict routine of feeding even now.  He  pins me down and I really have to drop all other intentions and expectations of my day.  Only I can sustain him.

At the moment I am finding it a bit hard as he just is not interested in eating.  I have tried so many approaches, different tastes, foods.  As he has no real words yet in his vocabularly he now just screams at me, thows all the food on the floor( then to the dogs), often playing a game but sometimes he is quite upset. 

The lovely lady on  the ABA Mum to Mum phone support  line said not to worry just keep feeding him and he will eat when he is ready.  Instinctively I  know  this.  The early child hood nurse did not agree and said I needed to only do 3 breast feeds per day and not feed at night.  Easier said then done when baby burrows into my breast and the distress when attention is averted to foodstuffs.  It is creating all the wrong atmosphere and feeling.

Feeling a bit of a failure tonight.  I am at a loss of what to do. 

Oh well I will still wake in the morning and read lots of recipes and keep trying and keep giving him what he wants.  Booby.

xxJ

an anniversary and one month onwards

In the last month we have packed up and moved house that is a 3 hour drive south.  We moved on from our intense renovations and much treasured beachside house and community.  But also from a mortgage that was crippling us.  I do miss that life though.

Che had made some lovely little friends from the mother's group of the killer summer 2009/10.

We have had to rug up and find new paths to tread every day.

The rear of our rented cottage backs directly onto to Bowral Creek with a lovely gentle slope of a walk with views to the surrounding farms on the hillsides.

We have had a few issues with not wanting to eat our solids and just wanting to feed on the booby all the time.  Poor sausage having to deal with the move, strange house and Dada going away for 4 days and then getting our first real sickness with high temperatures of 40 degrees, no wonder.

We visited the local early childhood nurse for a weigh in check up etc   We now are 9.4 kg and 74 cm long.  And yes I know I do all the wrong things.  i.e  feeding to sleep, feeding through the night, not teaching him how to self settle, co-sleeping.  But its the only way I can manage and comfort him.  We are splurging out on a new bed.   King size and it is going to be lush.

Our little man is standing up and cruising around the furniture.  More concentrated effort has been required to baby-proof the house and the backyard.  I think Che's temperament is one of those superactive types.  We are trying  for him to do something with other kids most days.  Playgroup, kindermusic, swim lessons, storytime at local library and lots of walks in the bush.  He is a different baby after these activities.

Spring is here, but the weather has been very dramatic.  Lots of dark skies , soft constant drizzle. But I've decided to not winge about the weather.

Today our son is 10 months old.  So proud of you.  You make my heart melt.

I did say that in the new house,"no dogs on the couch".  Oh well, they've had it hard too.

  ps  now rewinding with Alison.  Hop along for a trip down memory lane for others too.
xxj

baby led.........

Over the last few weeks we have been through some stress.  We have sold our little wooden house  and do not know where we will be next. The tension has been picked up by our little son, he needs to be near us more than ever.  Hence our nights are cuddled up tight , spooned together.  Feeding  a lot.  Our little one does not really want to eat much yet and I have  decided to just go with the flow here as well  Have decided baby led weaning to be the go for us, defintely.    Like breast feeding it is a matter of trusting your instincts.  Not sucumbing to the pressure of  old worn out prescriptive dos and don'ts.  I would really recommend   Gill Rapely 's approach.

Working in General Practice and realising what parents and families of all backgrounds go through gives me a wonderful perspective on my own experience.  How much the journey is all encompassing.  At times you feel quite vulnerable and inadequate.  Wondering what to do next?/try.  My elderly patients give me little tit bits of uninvited advice and often there are a few gems. Yesterday  the advice was the importance of being a team, being united in your approach, even if you both get it wrong.  There is something solid in this.

best buddies

Our faithful companions have probably been suffering the most with this deluge of rain.  So patiently waiting for their walk.  They both watch our every move.  Any hint of making a movement towards the pram or putting on socks sends them into a frenzy, "yes it's going to happen, a W. A. L. K."  but alas no just trying to tidy up guys and trying  to keep my feet warm.  Deep disgruntled sigh from labrador.  Miserable frown on cavoodle, who is getting so shaggy musnt really be able to see out underneath his eyelashes.  Really should take some time out for a brush and haircut.

Reflecting how they have coped with the new addition to the "pack"; they have become very devoted.  They lay by his door during daytime naps and appear to look distressed when he cries out to call us in.  Chester our cavoodle lays by my feet at nearly every breast feed.  Our lil'man loves them. A huge smile comes across is face when they come to say hello.  He laughs and giggles at their antics to try and get our attention.

The dogs were the centre of all my attention, and they really did take a back seat in those first few months.  Especially when having those common teething problems with breast feeding.

I try to take a moment to give Danny and Chester a quiet special hug every day and lie down on the floor with them and stroke their ears.  They have been across this country with me, through many highs and lows.  Luv ya.

scatterbrain

Well so many jobs pulling at my brain. I am addicted to rumaging through everyones most beautiful blogs, feel bereft when it comes down to sitting and writing for myself. I decided to try as it looked like fun and also appears to be positively affirming to your very being? or is it a only a 2 dimensional sanitized version???
Anyway what I have set myself for this year is
1. mothering
2. being a better partner
3. living more simply, within our means
4. returning to work as a GP, have already started since bub was only 5 weeks old, has been a bit stressful
5. Continue to breast feed as long as possible. This has been challenging of late with working, expressing, and Che not concentrating on the job, lots of snacking and constant feding from midnight to dawn.
6. A biggy is we have decided to sell our house. We have put our heart and soul into this house, there was so much to do , probably beyond us. Falling pregnant was a huge surprise. Our energies and monies we want to have more for us as a family. So getting the house ready to look like something our of county style magazine has us obssessed on all the jobs to do. And it will not be for us. I hope we find a buyer that loves what we have done and can continue with the vibe, and not pull the old girl down.
7. Also am doing postgrad diploma of child health, requiring lots of updates and study. Am very much behind. But so sleep deprived.

Wish could be Mama baking cakes and pulling out a few weeds in vegie plot. Need to foster more creative thoughts.