Looking good, on the outside.

As is evident from this little old blog falling by the wayside, I have been in a state of thoughts all in my head and too scared  for them to be in the written word.  I may have looked to others that I have everything under control.  But I have almost being paralysed with responsibility.  Ruminating over and over about making the right decisions for our family.  This state of perseveration (thanking you Jane) has sapped me of creative confidence and energy.

Choices that I have made have affected other people.   I often feel so indebted to many and feel pushed and pulled in so many ways.  I feel it deeply.  It makes me tired and then I get cranky and irritable.

Essentially I like to keep our home life simple.  Less is certainly more.  We like a wholesome life, living by the seasons and taking our joy from nature and all its gifts.  We live in one of the most beautiful towns of Australia.  Wallabies hop by our front gate.  Tawny frog mouths sit outside our door to sleep during the day.  I hear the ocean from my verandah.  We are safe and well nourished.

The young boy above, his eyes bear the truth, they ask me for my very best.  Every moment, my actions will be how I will be remembered.  Will he forgive me?  Will he say one day "I hate you"?.

At least 10 times a day or more, now, he says over and over again " I love you Mummy"  He also asks me, when I must have that frown line on my forehead, a face of worry and tension, "Mum, are you happy ?"

You see, I have just found this whole thing quite hard.  Relentless.  Simple things like just getting out the door without feeling like a crazy witch.  The struggle to fasten the straps of the child car seat.  Make lunch for preschool days.  Stare at the fridge and wander what to cook.  The struggle with daytime sleeps.  Agonising over putting my son into daycare.  (And now which bloody school).  And the worst time of my parenting, toilet training.  The simple things of motherhood have exhausted me.

On the other hand, diagnosing some rare neurological disorder, glimpsing abnormal pathology and acting promptly, no worries.

I know it is the cliche of the older professional Mother syndrome.  And being caught between ageing frail parents who cannot be around to help.

I just wanted to put out there, I hope I have never made someone else feel less, because I looked like I have more.  That I have looked good , but inside  I am screaming.

At this moment, the house is all quiet.  Night has fallen.  The owl is calling out across the valley.  Che had fallen asleep on the couch after family daycare without any dinner.  I accidentally trapped his finger in the car door this morning as we were jostling to get into the car.  He had a big cry and looked at me with those big innocent eyes.  I fretted most of the day, feeling bad that I still took him to childcare.  I called mid morning to see if he was ok.  I mentioned how bad I felt to Heidi, our family daycare Mum as I came to pick him up.  Heidi said, he hasn't even mentioned it all day.

I am blessed with this life.  I get to live it.   Big deep breaths.  Everything will be ok.

Linking in with Maxabella, on her rewind linky today.

a simple tuesday

Today was like any other Tuesday.  You are already in my bed  when Dada leaves the house to catch the early morning train.  You are kicking and thrashing around, head butting me and keen to get going with the day.  You swivel your butt around so you go down legs first and then patter off into the house to greet the doggies good morning. You bring numerous objects to the bedside to encourage me to rise.  I moan a bit and roll over,  sit up and then  let the light in.  Our day begins.

I turn on Radio National, open up all the blinds, change your nappy, put on the kettle and peel you a banana.  I start the daily ritual of porridge, pot of tea, some peanut butter toast  and trying to distract you with your ongoing cheeky requests for "more booby?"  Books , books, books.  Then into the cupboards again.  Back to books and then on to brmm, brmms.

Already the house is half trashed as we sit down to our oats.  You are still really full on at the table.  Constant requests for food from my bowl, wanting my spoon instead, more milk.  It is hard keeping you on the job.  And yes food still goes everywhere.  You are gradually learning to wait and have a little patience. 

Then comes the big clean up.

I can now leave you playing so I can have a shower by myself.  Something to really savour.  I get myself ready quickly and then we decide what you will be wearing. But getting you pinned down and changed I understand the term 'baby wrangling'.  You have started protesting on certain clothes, a big scream tells me not this one today.

When you are dressed the dogs start getting excited.  They run back and forth with some mirth and you are hankering to get out the door.  I double check we have everything.  Today we needed lots of tissues as well as your nose is running like a tap.  Off we go, along the creek, trying to find the sunny spots as the icy wind is piercing.  You never want to stay in the pram.  So once across the road and into the safety of the park, you are released from your shackles and off you march.  Collecting sticks of all sizes for me to store on top of the stroller.  You wave hello to all passers by.  The excitement on your face when you see older boys wizz past on their scotters has me thinking of years to come, when that will be you my spunky boy.

After an hour we are home.  Playing outside.  I usually boil some eggs for a snack and also prepare an early lunch for you.  I check emails, blogs, do some swift comments, think about dinner and make some small preparations for. Unload the washing maching and dishwasher.  You help me hang the clothes on the line.  You are so  strong wanting to carry the basket on your own.  Before I know it you are eating again, food is  going everywhere,  you are getting whingy and asking for Booby now. A much treasured small breastfeed.  You really snuggle in, playing with my hair and  my shirt. Off to bed now, a book and then to  your midday sleep.

Finally I can have my daily cup of coffee.  I tune into the radio again.  Today I needed then to do some packing of boxes for our trip in one week.  Then I started on dinner.  Beef and vegetable casserole.  I  tell myself I really deserve this last piece of the chocolate cake I made on the weekend.  I explore new camera options on the net and check out a few more blog updates.  Phone calls and bills made.

You stir at 3pm.  We read  a book on dinosuars.  We play with building blocks.  You turned 19 months yesterday.  Your language ability is exploding.  Perhaps 5 new words every day.  You ask me "what's that?" constantly. You have started saying little sentences.  We gather up your dear softies and we cuddle on the lounge.  We listen to some of your music.  You are a crazy dancer.  Then you happily play alone for sometime as I finish more chores.

At 5pm the door bell rings.  Dogs and you run to the front door.  Invariably you are bowled over by Dan.

It is amazing how this day has just gone.  It was completely occupied by simple domestic chores, the essential dog walk and your sleep and your joyous play.


Today is the last Tuesday that we will have time like this together, just you me and the dogs for a wee little while.  I love you very much sweet Che.  I can't wait to have these simple Tuesdays again.  Only  3 and a bit more months my little man.

Maybe I will find this harder than you.  Dada will be there with you.  It will be me hurrying home to greet your shiny face at the door.

en hiver

 For this first week of Winter, we have been like little bears.  With Mr Lurgy taking its toll, we have been hibernating.  There has been a lot happening in the big wild world, and like a  lot of other like-minded people I have been a bit emotionally affected.  I love animals.

Doing a bit of yarn over in those stolen moments when the little one sleeps, has helped me be more in the moment.  I am learning to make my chains a bit looser and to always try and count the stitches. Having ventured into a bit more of challenge, I have become stumped on row 4.  I think I will just keep going with how I understand the pattern  and then look back and see if it works.  The plan is to make a bundle of thank you packages.  My list is long.

The rain keeps on coming.  Cooped up with the kiddo and 2 loveable but wet stinky dogs is a test of patience.  Let us just say the place is a mess.  And there is no chocolate in the house.  We did take a walk in nature's corridor today.  My goodness the car is even worse.  The child restraint car seat is like a compost heap.  Even though there is a torrens pouring out of his nose and fevers have made him the grumpiest of grumpy, he still wanted to jump in every single puddle and "roll down, roll down roll down" the hill.  I am a bit of a slack Mama aren't I?

Drinking lots of rose hip tea, grated ginger and manuka honey.  Managed even a bit of baking.   The days are short.  When I am at home it just seems like forever cooking, cleaning, putting everything back into the cupboards that has been dragged out, constantly wiping little ones nose and washing the clothes that have been smeared with snot.

How my own Mother ever did it?  Three young ones at home all under 4 at age 22  and then a single mother living in a housing commission flat.  I am always thinking of what it really was like for her being alone looking after us girls.  Yes these were my humble beginings.  I have been very lucky.  Now I have a warm house, an amazing supportive partner, a back up career and all the modern conveniences at my disposal.  Ever so grateful.

Thank you for reading my rambles once again.  It is just nice writing things down.  Making a catalogue of my thoughts.  I often feel that this may be quite banal to others.  But I like to do it.  More of a thrill though is reading the life and creations of others.  I think that is what I enjoy most.  And there are some amazing blogs and amazing creative people  out there. 

Hope this first week of winter finds you happy and healthy.  Or if you are lucky enough to be so far North of us, savour every moment of the sun and warmth.

xx

bush

We have been doing a bit of bush bashing of late.  Great to get out with bub in pack on back and stride out.  Dada has a habit of taking us off the path to find special vantage points.  The dogs love it.  The old boys get a new lease of life. We have'nt done the camping thing yet.  We tend to want to go places where we can take the dogs too.  Looking forward to maybe being in the dry in the Kimberley soon.  Wonder how little chap will be sleeping out in a swag?  Think he will probably be in ours.

The days have become instantly shorter.  I am really liking hardly working and being at home in that special time of the day.   You feel the chillness starting to seep in.  Quick get the clothes off the line, everyone inside.  Early tea, warm bath and into bed by 6.30pm.  Yeh!

good morning

Phew that was a big nite.  Gosh our little man is a vigourous one.  Oh well today is a new cheery day.   Yesterday there were a few little steps,maybe 5 or 6 and then plonking back down onto bum.

Morning routine:

morning booby and cuddle
nappy change and tidy up nursery
quick shower
prepare breakfast
empty dishwasher
put load of washing on
eat breakfast with bub, set up bibs, placemat, chair with booster and encourage some sort of civil way of eating our porridge/cheerios/mini wheats or maybe french toast or scrambled eggs
then sigh, yes clean up while bub roams and explores
start planning dinner for tonight, maybe organise recipe for slow cooker, thaw meat, check fridge for needy purchases
organise emergency snack pak and left overs and stuff for lunch for bubba
sweep floor
make our bed
change bub into going out clothes
walk dogs (Marty usually does this for me if home) with bub in stroller
hang out washing on line
put away clean clothes/linen from yesterdays wash
think about making myself a bit respectable to walk our front door
usually lucky to be out by 10am.

Does it get easier??


This week have decided to start meal planning.  My very good friend Maren arrives from Darwin this week.  We are going to be setting up a stall at Dirty Janes Emporium for BIMA wear.  Its going to be fun to have her here.  Today I made greek style roast lamb and potatoes to put in the slow cooker.  Hopefully ready by 6pm dinner tonight.  Think may have with baby spinach and asparagus salad.  Babcia is coming over as well.

Need to brown in frypan and then onto the browned dutch cream potatoes some stock and cook slowly for 8 hours.  Hopefully delicious.

PS. I won  a meat tray at the Burrawang Pub.  I am usually am not a winner in this way.  Hence such an extravagant sexy leg to decorate.

daily rhythms

One of the aspects of child rearing I am a bit hopeless at is routines.  I guess after so long just thinking about myself it has turned my world upside down trying to be organised for a little one.  We always ate late after a long early evening walk with the dogs, especially in Summer.  I would often spend what seemed like hours lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, in my past life.

Of course with moving and re settling it has taken us a little while to get some rhythm in our days.  With Che still  waking almost hourly still after midnight, waking up and getting on with the day at times takes all the postivity that I can muster.

We have now been having a morning activity to attend to which  now tires him out for a midday sleep.  But it was getting that way  the evening would see him have this hyperactive burst of activity and it would takes me sometimes 3 hours to get him  down to sleep and then  he would be awake an hour later.  I was feeling a bit desperate.

Now I have worked hard at getting the late afternoon more organised.  It now goes as follows:-

4pm Walk the dogs and baby
5 -5.30 pm Dinner
Accompanied by some lovely calming music
6-6.30   Clean away all toys and paraphenalia and get ready for bath,  still with music, no TV and lights all dimmed.
6.30 pm Bath time and then straight into  his room.
6.45-7.15 pm Massage and body creaming,  (now has eczema for some reason), some booby and reading 3 books
We are currently loving all baby books by Mem Fox, "Hello Baby", "Where is the Green Sheep" and "Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes"
Then final top up of Booby.

Am now trying to get Che off the nipple before falling asleep.  This has been the greatest challenge.
Into the cot with  sleeping bag.   And then try to settle.  Now he is falling off straight away when putting him in his sleeping bag.

All hopefully asleep by 7.30-8pm.

Phew,  I still am working on the many frequent night wakings and He still is in our bed at some time later .  But am now getting 3-4 hours of continued sleep at this earlier part of the night.

What bedtime routine do you find works for you?? Would be interested to hear.

PS. thank goodness for daddies or I don't think I would be so good now with bedtime XXXX