the year that was for me

The last year fed and fed and fed and fed my baby all day and all night all year; finished off renovating my first home; lived very frugally trying to make ends meet; squeezed in a bit of doctoring; harvested my last vegie crop from my own home; worried too much on trying to get everything right; listened as much as I was able; started a blog and have been constantly inspired by fellow bloggers;have had no more than 2 hours sleep at a stretch; sold my home  without an agent in 3 days; met some other pretty cool Mamas; gave notice and said goodbye to great work colleagues; moved house one handed; decluttered; started a new job one morning a week; have been a bit demanding of Marty; started to cook again; found new places to do walkies with doggies;missed people had only just started to know; studied late into the night; examined for Diploma of child health; had a little holiday by the sea;  remembered how to crochet by just picking up a hook and wool after about 30 years;had christmas with my baby boy and loving Man and wonderful family.

No solid new year resolutions for me , maybe just to be me and to cuddle my boy.

its ok

After a  little bit of soul searching have decided its ok to continue.  I really really appreciate the little bit of connection with fellow bloggers I've had so far.  I feel so grateful to have had this opportunity to finally be a parent with all the challenges.  Being me is ok.

I do often wish I could be better at a lot of things.  A better partner, mother, organiser, Doctor, and especially a better friend.  I often get caught up in the small stuff.  The bigger picture is very bright.

Best wishes everyone and take care over what can be a bit of crazy time.

to continue or not?

Often in the middle of the night I'm struck with the anxiety "why am I doing this?". Feeling a bit silly and exposed.  I listen to people talk about the dangers of Facebook and how pedophiles will be able to source my child, marketers can watch my every move and plant dangerous temptations to purchase.  The line between public and private life is held onto so tightly.  And here I am on this blog.  What does it all mean?

Also I question my motives. Do I want to be liked more and have more approvals/comment?s.  A lovely blog I follow, the writer has a bad day with her baby and she gets 67 comments of support.  But that is not why I started this blog.  Its ok if no one reads it or comments really. 

How will my son feel when he is older? That is a biggy?

Writing here has helped me feel less down and negative, of which I am prone to at times.  The blogging community is all so upbeat and positive.  Nevertheless it can be a bit nauseating.  Do people really have such perfect lives?

Writing here has helped keep me on track on our goals and opens up some headspace for where and how we want to live.

Reading other peoples inspiring blogs, less of the perfect ones and more of the simple, crafty and sustaninable eggs me on and I feel yeh keep going.


Going to take some time over this break to ponder.

 Keep your cool over the festive season and have fun.

xx J

birthday boy, beach boy, last summer of baby boy

Happy birthday to our little man.  We had a small gathering of some groovy people we have only just met  from playgroup.  The kiddies were of different ages but it seemed to work well.  Our new friends made the day special.  Thanks heaps. xxx

The next day busy packing to go on our little beach holidy that we planned months ago.  In hindsight maybe trying to do too much at this normally hectic time of the year.  Exam done and dusted.  Think may have got through but I will not find out until mid January.

We rented a dog friendly cottage in Currarong beach on the south coast of NSW.  It lies on Jervis bay.  This old fibro shack was built in the 1930's.  Its was a tiny one bedroom beach hut with views directly onto the water.  Pretty cute don't you think?

 

We were lucky with the weather. Our little man spent the days playing in the rockpools and sorting through the shells, seaweed, anemones and flotsam and jetsam and digging many sand holes to match Dannyboy.

I took the plunge with a new swim suit into the water.  It was pretty cold.  It took my breath away.  The doggies had a pretty good time too.  I think they miss living by the water.

 

5 days with no computer, emails, TV.  I had plans of starting a novel but ended up taking some time to really just sit and be, and gaze onto the water.  We ate very simply steak, fish cooked on the BBQ.  I sat breast feeding thinking how next Summer might be quite different.  Our little one will be much bigger, I may not be feeding him anymore, he will be running not crawling and will not be a handy little bundle in my arms.

 

birth

One year ago today we went out with friends for woodfired pizza and then to see the movie based on the book above.  I felt well, but baby was very active.  I just could not get comfortable during the screening but thoroughly enjoyed the story and amazing set and cinematography.

I was 39 weeks pregnant.  I was wondering if I would go overdue.  The last week I had been busy having only finished work one week ago. Nesting, cleaning, yoga and spending time at the beach with my dogs.  Marty was working hard landscaping in the hot sun.

Earlier in the day I had some acupuncture.  It had been recommended by my midwife.  The practitioner Melissa thought I was pretty close and changed her approach, mentioning it may help get things going.  I was not in a rush.  I thought I could do with more time.

After farewelling our friends we drove home and Marty mentioned he really didnt wont to go to work the next day. He was really physically tired.  He went to bed straight away.  I was pottering for ages and then at 1.30 am decided I should sleep.

I sat down on the side of the bed and felt a really strong pain that gripped me.  It lasted about half a minute.  I laid down and gazed out the window.  Five minutes later it recurred.  I had been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions from about 20 weeks.  This was different!   After a few  similar  I got up and started packing the bag.  I had not yet done that.  Chester was following me everywhere.  Marty was still snoring away.

Forty minutes later the contractions were coming every 3 minutes and lasting about 40 seconds.  They were so intense I could not talk.  I was kneeling on the rug on the kitchen floor in a yoga pose with my arms out stretched.  The intensity in my lower back and groin gripped me.  Marty woke up due to my moaning.  He yelled out, "Is this it Jill?".  I couldnt really speak.

We rang our midwife.  Yes it was time to come in.  The contractions were now lasting a full minute, 3 minutes apart.  I had been involved in an antenatal midwife programme at Gosford Hospital where we have the same midwife throughout the pregnancy.  Lindel though was infact the second midwife as My first Anne Marie was on her annual leave.  I had thought about having a home birth.  But it came down to affordability, and actually our house was only half functional with  a stripped out loungeroom.

I really didnt know how I was going to get into the car.  The drive  to the hospital takes about 30 minutes.  We set up the dogs on the verandah, bundled ourselves in the car and set off.  I was lying on the back seat, sitting up over the child restraint.  The drive in was surreal. 

Upon arrival and meeting with Lindel, she confirmed the baby was still posterior but I was in fact already 6cm dilated and well effaced.  It was now 4am.  I had no real formal birth plan as such.  Like always, go with what feels natural and right at the time.  Lindel suggested we go into the shower. The relief from the warm water on my back was immediate.  I needed Marty there all the time.

I had accepted having a student midwife with me as I was a student once.  Justine was called from her home.  We had got to know each other over the last few appointments.  It was in fact great having here there as well.

We ended up staying  in the shower.  It seems like so long ago now.   Memory is certainly fading about the details.  I remember loosing the plot a bit, probably was in transition.  I remember feeling on the edge of a precipice and fearful of the next stage, almost too scared to become a mother.  The pain did get too much for me and I really thought I could not go on.  Baby's heart beat via the doppler was spot on.  My waters had not even broke yet but I felt I was ready to push.  So I did.   I let it roar.  But it was hard work.   My waters broke just before giving birth.  Babies head was right there I could feel.  I was sitting on the birthing stool, still in the shower.  Lindel then said  he had been there too long and I needed an episiotomy to get him out.  I remember shouting "Oh no".  But then with another push he arrived face looking up at me , pink and screaming with life.  I picked him up in my arms between my legs and hugged him tight.  Yes  baby boy!


It was the hardest but  most amazing day of my life. 

After all having a clean up shower, we laid down for our first breast feed.  I needed I few stitches  so baby Che had a bit of an explore around to find the nipple.  I felt so much love and warmth.

 Che  born 9.17am 11/12/2009.  Birthweight 8lb 4 oz (3750 gms ) and 53 cm long.  We were very proud parents.  We actually ended up going home to our abdoe and keenly waiting puppy dogs 4 hours later.  We were now a family.

exam nerves

here i am, nearly midnight doing last minute frenzied study for my exam in the morning.  we have to get up at 5am to travel hour and half to be ready to start writing at 8am.  baby just woke up with big fearful cry, now suckling at breast, and has then done the usual lurching back and says "Dada" and now wants to be awake.  oops.  maybe we should all just take to the big bed now.  oh but there is that topic on rickets .... hmm.  oh well i have done the best i can since i've had no real sleep in 12 months.  i'll just keep thinking of my little one to get me thru.

cloth on bot

Since Che's arrival I have endevoured to use cloth nappies as much as possible.  We used plain white terry sqaures  in the newborn period and then since have being trying a number of different fitted nappies that can be ordered on line.  The terry squares now make great cleaning cloths for mop ups with adventurous eating habits and great for polishing mirrors and windows etc. I must admit it is a bit of a maze sorting through all the different options and it has been fun trialling different sets and brands. I especially love the packages of soft fluffy bundles of green joy arriving with the post.

What I have come to realise that it really depends on your baby's shape and degree of wetting that really points to which nappies are better for each individual.  I have found some fitted nappies to always leak around the legs, especially when he was younger.  Also as Che is a keen night feeder he is such a heavy wetter .  I'm usually really not into brand naming but I would  recommend in this situation that the best coverage and absorbancy has been from baby beehinds, especially with the organic cotton/bamboo fitted nappy and a good cover.  They take a bit more of organising, but you can increase the absorbency even more with bamboo boosters.  For convenience the minkee all in ones are excellent as well.

The washing and up keep obviously can be seen as yet another chore, but I relish it and find the whole process quite meditative.   Dry paling, so no soaking and using less detergent makes things much easier.  Beloved will often put on a disposable, if expecting a pooey one.  And to be honest at night we have resorted back to a good disposable and I just have not found a cloth nappy that will last the whole night and we are trying to get more sleep around here.

I also love cleaning botty with almond oil and putting calendula nappy ointment on.

2 more sleeps until my exam.  I won't know myself.  Then a special birthday the day after.  Wow I have almost made it !