The world i would like to live in....

A world where there was no child abuse.  Where people did not hit their children.  A world where people could speak honestly about their struggles and not feel ashamed or inadequate.  Where children and babies were more welcomed, and heard and seen loud and clear.

A world where there were no puppy factories with little canines not seeing the light of day, stuck lying on a concrete floor in their own excrement.  Where people realised that a pet is for its life and not for convenience.

A world where you could marry your loved one and have a family together, regardless of your chromosomes, without bigotry or defaming and harmful words from others and it was legal.

A world where their was no live export of animals across miles and miles of ocean, suffering without food or water, and for them to meet a gruesome, inhumane fate.

A world where there was no civil war, children and women could walk safely down their own street, have an education and be nourished  with clean food and water.

A world where it was not about having the latest groovy thing.  Not about fashion trends.  Not about getting the most likes.  Living honestly and within your means.

A world where there was more community sharing.  Neighbourhood cook ups.  Sharing the care of children and our elderly. Perhaps communal lawn mowers, clothes dryers, printers, garden tools.  Love the idea of a community garden on your front verge.

A world where people opened their borders to people who are fleeing persecution, war and poverty.

If only our egos would allow.

Looking good, on the outside.

As is evident from this little old blog falling by the wayside, I have been in a state of thoughts all in my head and too scared  for them to be in the written word.  I may have looked to others that I have everything under control.  But I have almost being paralysed with responsibility.  Ruminating over and over about making the right decisions for our family.  This state of perseveration (thanking you Jane) has sapped me of creative confidence and energy.

Choices that I have made have affected other people.   I often feel so indebted to many and feel pushed and pulled in so many ways.  I feel it deeply.  It makes me tired and then I get cranky and irritable.

Essentially I like to keep our home life simple.  Less is certainly more.  We like a wholesome life, living by the seasons and taking our joy from nature and all its gifts.  We live in one of the most beautiful towns of Australia.  Wallabies hop by our front gate.  Tawny frog mouths sit outside our door to sleep during the day.  I hear the ocean from my verandah.  We are safe and well nourished.

The young boy above, his eyes bear the truth, they ask me for my very best.  Every moment, my actions will be how I will be remembered.  Will he forgive me?  Will he say one day "I hate you"?.

At least 10 times a day or more, now, he says over and over again " I love you Mummy"  He also asks me, when I must have that frown line on my forehead, a face of worry and tension, "Mum, are you happy ?"

You see, I have just found this whole thing quite hard.  Relentless.  Simple things like just getting out the door without feeling like a crazy witch.  The struggle to fasten the straps of the child car seat.  Make lunch for preschool days.  Stare at the fridge and wander what to cook.  The struggle with daytime sleeps.  Agonising over putting my son into daycare.  (And now which bloody school).  And the worst time of my parenting, toilet training.  The simple things of motherhood have exhausted me.

On the other hand, diagnosing some rare neurological disorder, glimpsing abnormal pathology and acting promptly, no worries.

I know it is the cliche of the older professional Mother syndrome.  And being caught between ageing frail parents who cannot be around to help.

I just wanted to put out there, I hope I have never made someone else feel less, because I looked like I have more.  That I have looked good , but inside  I am screaming.

At this moment, the house is all quiet.  Night has fallen.  The owl is calling out across the valley.  Che had fallen asleep on the couch after family daycare without any dinner.  I accidentally trapped his finger in the car door this morning as we were jostling to get into the car.  He had a big cry and looked at me with those big innocent eyes.  I fretted most of the day, feeling bad that I still took him to childcare.  I called mid morning to see if he was ok.  I mentioned how bad I felt to Heidi, our family daycare Mum as I came to pick him up.  Heidi said, he hasn't even mentioned it all day.

I am blessed with this life.  I get to live it.   Big deep breaths.  Everything will be ok.

Linking in with Maxabella, on her rewind linky today.

self care

Well this post has been going round and round in my head.  I came to a point of feeling so depleted and my tiredness worried me.   I have been anticipating our next move now with some trepidation.  We leave in 18 days.

I have made an effort to go through our things and our life in a systematic way.  Room by room, each cupboard, each shelf has been sorted through, contemplated, cleaned, rearranged and some has been re- gifted and passed on.  Even though we have been in this cottage for less than a year, still the clutter started to erode my brain.  I still have a bit to do.

Is it just that I am mid forty Mama that sometimes I feel it hard to keep up?  Very broken sleep of course does not help.  Little things do help though.  Like taking that afternoon nap when little one sleeps and not continue to do housework, clean, blog, paperwork.  Also those simple things like putting on some hand creme on to those aging hands, drink more water and less caffeine, maybe even washing my face with some nice cleanser before bedtime and putting on some divine night creme.

The other night I impulsively did an online clothes order.  I hope the sizing is right.  Felt a bit guilty but cannot wait till it arrives.  I quite liked sitting at the screen and co-ordinating my outfit in my own quiet time.

It is very icy and bleak outside with these gale force westerly winds.  The days are very short and it is nice to all huddle together as a family.

Off now to catch up with what all my friends have been up to.

i wonder how many will watch ?

Tonight I will defintely be turning on the tv.  To me the rhetoric over asylum seekers arriving by boat is shameful.  This screening on sbs I think is a landmark in reality tv but I do doubt how many Australians will sit and watch.



The q and a on the sbs website begins with an estimate of how many new immigrants to Australia arrive by boat.  The answer is 1.5%.


I'm sorry to blog about something that people would rather not hear.  It can be a 'sugar coated' village at times.  People just want to see happy colours and beautiful things.  And I do too.


Thanking those sweet people for their words.  I am not sure what I will do.  Maybe I do just need a big bloggy break. I do have a bit on my plate at the moment.  I do feel a bit sad about stopping.  Can I ask, have any of you had friends shy away from you because you have revealed you blog?

The cold change has just come through here.  It is grey and bleak outside.  Not sure if the doggies will get their walk today.


Take care my friends.


xxx
Jill

listening

                                        a volkswagon from the year I was born. 


Do you love sitting in your car, all nice and cosy when it is freezing outside?  On the weekend we decided to get out of the house and drive down to Wingecarribee River and take all the boys for a walk.  Once there I felt so tired and my neck was really paining.  I declined the walk and all the boys set off.  The car was facing west on the rivers edge.  It was late afternoon and the sun was just above the hills.  I was bathed in its warm glow shielded by the cold chilly wind.  There was a group of local kiddos playing soccor in just shorts and t shirts.  They were having lots of fun.  I closed my eyes and just listened to the sounds, both near and far.  The warble of the Magpies, the arrogant laugh of the Kookaburra, the squeals of delight of goals been scored between the gum trees.  I love these moments.  Being fully present.  Empyting my mind.  Letting the sounds waft around me.  I love sitting in the car alone.  Do you?

Listography

I have been really liking Kate Takes 5 weekly listography and enthused by A Farmer's wife post would  like to play along.  I really had to think hard about this weeks theme - five decisions that you are glad you made. Now in my mid forties, I feel I have re - invented myself many times.  There has been many chapters of my life.  I often have not made the best decisions.  I certainly could have been more successful in my chosen career, more steadfast and less emotional and less reactive.  But here I go:

1. Learning Yoga and Meditation from a young age.

    Time and time again re-invigorating my practice has steadied my soul and given me strength.  It  keeps me supple and calm.


2. Going to University.

 In fact I ended up  doing 2 Bachelor degress back to back.  That meant nine years of being a poor student, supporting myself through, wearing daggy trackie dacks and waitressing most nights.  But I lived in the most crazy fun student shared households.  I dabbled in the extra-ordinary and it really broadened my mind and horizons and gave me a perspective on this world that has led me to keep exploring and keep on learning.

3. Taking a trip to Darwin

On a whim I rang Darwin Hospital to see if there were any job opportunities.  I got a job in that phone call and in the next few weeks left my position in an inner city hospital and left for the wild frontier that is the Northern Territory.  I was only planning to stay for a year but then ended up staying five.  I do feel I gained some understanding of  Aboriginal culture and their connection to their land.  There are lots of endemic problems but it was an experience to me that opens up new possibilities for the future.  In Darwin I met the most free thinking people.  It was  a less materialistic way of living.  Very different to the East Coast.  Camping in Kakadu, living on the Tiwi islands, fishing, mud crabbing, sailing it was fantastic.  Oh yes and I met my man there.

4. Selling my house.

This was a hard one, but yes I do want to have it here.  You see about 6 months ago I became very regretful about this.  But now I have moved on and happy that this has been the best decision.  The story is I became pregnant very unexpectantly at age 43.  I am the main bread winner ( my partner is an Artist - say no more), we had purchased  a house a bit beyond our means and really it was a knockdown anyway but we took on this project as our baby of renovating it from inside out.  I really wanted to stay home with my one and only child.  We finished the renovations after our son was born, sold it and moved on.  A lot of people were unsure of our choices and some were a bit disappointed.  Now we are renters in a very cosy little cottage and I work only very part time and am now dabbling in art, gardening, cooking, walking and just lying in the sun.  I am very lucky that I can still have a career to return to.  One day another "home" will present itself, i'm sure.

5.  Making a conscious decision every day to find happiness and fun in each day.  Some days I do wake up as cranky pants.  But I realise how much I have an effect on how the day will pan out.  I take few deep breaths, get over myself and smile.  My little boy smiles back.

Thank you for giving me time to think about theses things.

ramblings

Today the light was calming.  The weather was really mild.  I walked around in a thin cotton top.  This morning was dedicated to paperwork.  I have to say that the digital computerised world has only increased my load of paper work.  Bad habits have slowly crept in and the various piles were mounting.  One organisational tactic that I know does works well for me is to pay bills/attend to matters as soon as Mr Postman delivers them.  Take things out of the inbox into the already sent as soon as possible.   Keep that flow of paper going round and round.  I know.  Otherwise you end up in the fiery HELL of a place to be.

"Looking after your own patch".  A most dear friend wrote to me.  Events this week that involved my family has been in my thoughts.  My family over the generations is large.  My maternal grandfather was one of 14 children.  My mother is one of 9.  But there has been disputes and years of one not taking to another.  It becomes so complicated.  Though a tragedy.  One spoke to another after 25 years of looking the other way.

           A blood red sky tonight. What does that mean again?

feeling graceful

The trees all around our house are almost threadbare.  There was a heavy frost on awakening. We waited for the earth to thaw by having croissants and freshly brewed coffee.  Unfortunately the coffee pot hissed and exploded and sprayed hot coffee over Dada's face.  Fortunately it ended up being on a minor scald.. Missed his eye.


We explored another bush track and found a very old rail tunnel.  No longer in use, but was in the 1890's for coal mining.

I'm pondering on what it means to be graceful. Ease of movement.  Soft and deep breaths.  Thinking before you speak.  Practicing restraint.  Living within your means. Gentle thoughts. Taking care of yourself.

Will continue to ponder.  What are your thoughts about today?

congruence

The degree of agreement in the way you perceive yourself, the way you would like to be and the way you really are. A bit deep, but was thinking about this as I walked along the river with the boys this afternoon.  I can see now when incongruence can cause conflict with oneself. 

Self awareness, that old chestnut.

today i'm loving

A little angel left us some preloved clothing from some funky Dude on our front door step. It only just fitted. There was a strong southerly blowing today but our little man was still chomping at the bit to be outside. Perfect attire for an expedition into Mummy's newly made sand pit.


Our backyard is noice and long but a bit suburban. If we end up staying awhile after returning from working out west, I am planning to make a dinosaur garden, more pots of herbs and vegie tubs and would love Dada to put his woodwork skills to good use and build something to climb on.

Our winter greens are coming along, but some little creature is chomping on the celery stalks. I have now decided to try some Derris powder. An old mate of mine swears by this. Otherwise the leaks and beetroot and rocket are going along well too.


I'm loving these gummies I scored for one dollar from a garage sale in astonishingly beautiful Wattamolla. I've been wearing them all day. An old dairy farm had just sold. I also could not go past these little beauties for 5 dollars each.



With the organisation of our kitchen, I had been eyeing off these handmade ceramic bowels from Berrima Pottery. The are perfect for our morning porridge.

It was such a relief to be at home today. I love feeling some sense of control over our lives and making our home warm, calm and running smoothly. I thought about running down to a playgroup and remembered I often come home quite frazzled. Toddler play with older and younger ones seems to be all about Mummy doing damage control. I am conscious of when I will be working fulltime again and how will I cope. Everyday I find more and more of a connection with my son. He does baffle me at times. I find it one of the challenges, getting to know who he is. Everyday is different. Sometimes I'm not up to the challenge. But when the day is all about caring for our lives and bringing us together and I am so focussed on the task and not stressed out about something I cannot actually change, everyone is happy.


And lastly but not in anyway the least, another most glorious angel wrote to me to let me know I was the winner of her most fabulous giveway. The most amazing and capable and lovely Posie. I am so lucky and very very happy. XXXXX.

a frosty day turns warm and glowing

Oh how the mornings are now so chilly.  The earth is all frosted over but the skies are clear and the air is crisp.  I awoke feeling a bit of an ache.  We all have our own burdens.  There is always a story that is deep and often difficult for others to understand fully or to come to terms with.  There is sadness, loss and hardship.   There is pain and illness and hardest of all injustice and cruelty.  I used to think I had to rise up against all of this.  But it makes everything so much of a struggle.

I am slowly learning that being creative is the remedy for the soul.  Loosing yourself in something that really makes you joyous.  Being at one with the moment.  Finding your inner radiance and shining.

ps. I love you Mum.

anchors

I have a confession to make.  As I look back over the many chapters of my life so far.  Hopefully half of my time here.  I realise there have been women in my life that I have anchored myself upon.  Women with whom I have identified deeply and then thrived on the essence of them.  Their creativity, their courage and resilience.  Their witty sense of humour and their ability to rise up against sorrow and misfortune.  I have secretly wanted to be them.  Perhaps even had a funny little crush on them. 

When I don't have women in my life that affect me so, I feel so lost.  Perhaps that is what I feel I absorb from this blog world.  All up it is one big best girlfriend that I can lean on and anchor myself to.  This probably sounds a bit sad but  I have moved around so much and lost contact with so many wonderful women.  Now being a forty something mother of a very active, loud and boisterous although adorable little boy and uprooted myself into yet another place.  Well I am so glad to have this space.

I just wanted to give an kiss and hug to those women in my life that have inspired me and helped me get out of bed in the morning.  If those women ever read this they will know who they are.

Have you had those anchors?  How have they shaped you?

Paques

The Easter break seems to come around at just the right time, does'nt it?  I think everyone feels just a little depleted, especially this year.  I'm wondering what Easter means to everyone?  Not being of a demoninational religion, although christened a Catholic, I do feel that it is the recognition of the suffering of the innocent.  There has been so much of this of late.  So  grateful to be able to pace ourselves and enjoy this beautiful shining season.

Our Easter started with my Parents arriving and then a visit from a much loved uncle.  We've had a few doggies mates stay.  Having those extra pair of hands to wrangle baby, clean and cook lots of comfort food is a blessing.

Meet  Missy.

We have been exploring and op shopping.  Really loving these little loaf baking pans.

This was the first time our Parents have met.  The thought has always made me nervous.  They all hit it off.   Today we had a yummy lunch.  BBQ lamb with lemon and rosemary marinade.  Roasted Kipfer potatoes and pumpkin, roasted carrots and steamed brussel sprouts.  This was all topped off with home made salsa verde and home made gravy.  Delicious.  The cake was a treat from the local Gumnut bakery.

Our little boy is such a Trojan.  Despite a high fever of 39 degrees he was still up for a egg hunt.  He learnt to peel them very quickly.  So much fun!

Phew, after all the eating, drinking and exploring a little lie down and breast feed was needed.  A 40 minute kip to recharge.  I could hear the Currawongs singing to each other and see through my bedroom window families enjoying a late afternoon walk.  All so comforting.

Tomorrow my stepfather is participating in the local Anzac march.  So much history for our little man to learn.

Sincerely hoping everyone has had a very peaceful and happy Easter.